Marathon

The story – however inaccurate – told by Herodotus (known either as the father of history or the father of lies) is a stirring one and we all know it. Darius of Persia is on a mission to conquer every piece of land on the globe. He’s got horses, he’s got archers, he’s got heavy infantry, he’s got light infantry. He’s got boats, he’s got swords, he’s got all kinds of shit, right? He’s the fucking King of Persia and shit, so he’s got stuff. He’s got a military budget that would make Operation Iraqi Freedom blush. So dude’s just a fucking steamroller crushing everything in his path. He’s got the region of Ionia (just across the sea from Greece) in his grip and relations there are friendly. But shit goes south and the Ionians rebel against the Persians and look to their old masters, the Greeks for help. The rebellion lasts six years with mostly Athenian help but eventually fails.

And Darius is like “Oh hell no, these motherfucking Greeks assisted in a rebellion against me? Who the fuck do they think they are?” And he decides the Greeks are fucked. “They either gon’ be my bitch, or I’m gon’ burn they whole shit to the ground.” Darius supposedly said to a group of his high military advisers. So he dispatches his emissaries, who are either thrown off of buildings (by the Athenians) or down into a well (by the Spartans). The Spartans sorta had a fetish for the whole throwing people down a well thing. So Darius launches a campaign against the Greek city-states.

Many of the city-states surrender to Darius, but the Athenians aren’t going to play that. The Spartans are celebrating some festival or another so the Athenians have to face the Persians alone. The Athenian army marches 26.2 miles to the plains of Marathon to meet the Persians. They slap the Persians around a bit and send them sailing home. The elated Greek runner Phidippides is sent to deliver the good news to Athens. Phidippides had already run to Sparta and back to ask the Spartans for help (280 miles) in the past month, nigga was tired. So he sprints the 26.2 miles back to Athens and up to the first group of Athenians he sees and screams “We kilt ’em.” and collapses to the ground and dies of exhaustion. It’s a good thing those Athenians Phidippides encountered were the NPR type and followed the news. Woulda been a shame if he had died delivering his message to a group of people who weren’t aware of the fact that they were at war.

That’s history, or legend, whichever you want to call it. This is the present.

The best I can gather is that my apartment is exactly 13.1 miles between the site on the James River where Iranian forces landed to sack Richmond, and the nearest military outpost. I can only conjecture that Richmonders bravely held their own against the Persian forces of Ahmadinejad and that when they won, they decided to ALL run and report the news. My apartment just had the misfortune to be in the middle of this new “Marathon” run. Because two Saturdays ago I couldn’t get anywhere near my fucking home because there were ugly white people taking up every street within a mile of my apartment. You motherfuckers better pick up the pace, your fat ass can’t be walking the whole way, this is serious business.

I bought a bass cab that day in the hopes of one day being a more prolific XVX Vegan Edge Warrior XXX in my new band. So I’ve borrowed my friend’s car to bring it back to my apartment, which shouldn’t be such a tall order seeing as the place I bought the cab from is a mere six blocks from my apartment. I wouldn’t even need a car if the damned thing wasn’t roughly 70% of my mass. So what is a 12 minute walk became an hour and twenty minute drive as I circled the city desperately trying to get within two blocks of my apartment to drop this damned speaker cab off and get my friend her car back.

A map can be seen below which shows the route I took to get back to my apartment after buying the bass cab.You can probably imagine how frustrated I was at the end of this venture. Well eventually I do make it back, and I carry this huge fucking box up the back steps by myself, and now it sits in my room awaiting practice:Hell Yeah.

-Mac XVX